Archive for January 10, 2010

I am currently enrolled in a doctoral program at a major American university, and am seriously worried about one of my fellow students (call her Shelley). She is extremely caring and affectionate. Like, whenever she sees (in a casual, social setting) someone who has a sick relative or loved one, she is quick to ask how the latter is doing, openly showing support and concern for both parties. Or, when she sees drunken partygoers on her way home from campus, she often looks out for them (esp. when they appear distressed) and worries about them getting home safely. Being good-looking and very girlie, as well, Shelley seems like one who could have been the most popular girl in school, have an active social life, and be the type of friend everyone dreams of having. She could probably make a great girlfriend too, but that’s kind of beside the point, because she’s never dated before and isn’t very into that now. But, unfortunately, Shelley doesn’t have very much of that, because, as she confided to me last year, when me and her were both new, she has survived a horrible form of emotional abuse as a child, there mere thought of which makes her cry. It turns out that her parents (who are clean, well-educated [both have Ph D's], well-to-do – they live in a paid-off 4BR suburban home in an upscale area, free from drug and alcohol abuse, or any other unhealthy habits – much like their daughter) have virtually never let her invite friends over, go places with them, attend slumber parties, make phone calls in privacy (her mother used to eavesdrop and ask her prying questions), or engage in any other common social activities. When pushed, Shelley’s mother sometimes said that she did allow her daughter to have friends over, but the latter knew very well that if she proposed something like that, it would have to involveundue scrutiny (by her parents) and extensive preparations as though, as she likes to put it, it were “a dinner for two with the British Ambassador.” Much of the time her parents just made loads of senseless excuses aimed to rationalize (e.g. “Why do you need friends, when you have such a loving [read: well-to-do] family?”, “You’re too smart/old for that”), shame (“Be grateful for what you have and don’t envy your classmates!”), brainwash (“Some girls are just outgoing. Others like to keep to themselves and you’re just one of those. [Had they listened and paid attention to their daughter, they never would have thought this]“), excuse their laziness (“It’s hard enough for us to take care of you, and you’re asking us to let another girl ride our family car and sit with us in the movie theater?!”), assume the worst/most disturbing and disgusting (“What if they [the family of a slumber party hostess] are a bunch of drug addicts who will murder you in your sleep?” or [when Shelley wanted a roommate in college - she deeply regrets having chosen a school close to home, which resulted in loads of undue abuse] “Go with a single! We’re paying for your dorm so that you’d live close to your school and have an easier time studying; if you get a roommate, she might get drunk and vomit on your stuff or be ‘some sort of prostitute’ who’d bring in her pimps!!!”), put down (“Because you’re socially retarded/immature, that’s why [you can't have friends over]!!!”), or do any other combination of the above. The comment about being “socially retarded” has been particularly painful for Shelley, and I can really empathize with her because, as one can tell from the first few minutes of talking to her, she’s anything but. As I said before, she’s very sweet, caring, and friendly. Granted, she does have a few shortfalls in social skills (e.g. once, when she was at a sorority party and the girls were sharing embarrassing period stories and there was one that made everyone [incl. the subject] laugh, Shelley failed to catch on and offered that girl solace, as though she had just been victimized by this disaster and was feeling embarrassed at the moment), but those are just an unfortunate byproduct of her parents sheltering and should be easy to correct. As this story illustrates, Shelley seems to be hypersensitive to other people’s feelings, possibly trying to overcompensate for the abusive childhood she endured. And, if applied properly, this trait can be a great asset for her and help her find the peer group she’s always longed for. She often talks passionately about how much it would have meant for her to be able to go places with other girls, sometimes bursting into tears so bitter that it almost makes me want to cry with her. It particularly hurts Shelley to know that practically everyone else was allowed to see her peers after school and often asks me (as well as others who know of her tragedy) if I know anyone who has lived with similarly controlling parents. It would feel like she isn’t alone in this, and yet I don’t think I know of any other family that was similarly abusive. Do you know of anyone (esp. from a seemingly-decent fam