Posts tagged feel

Question by lucy: my life is completely off track; i feel so sad and tired. i’m desperate.?
i’ve always had anxiety issues, GAD namely, and last summer i became addicted to xanax and ativan. i’m also an ex-cutter, a serious one. after 2 years of community college, i worked hard and got into a good private university. i stopped using drugs and, for the most part, stopped associating with those friends.
that meant, though, that i really had no friends anymore and i didn’t make many at school.
then, in january, my best friend of almost ten years, and the girl i had lived with all summer, was found dead in her room from a heroin overdose. i was on vacation, so i found out via fb, which was awful. what’s worse, i was the last person to text her that night, so her mom thought i was involved (i’ve never even seen heroin) and told my parents, with whom i already had a rocky relationship, to say the very least (my stepdad hates me and takes it out on my mom, who then starts to resent me for it). so, not only did i get publicly screamed at and called a murderer at her showing and chased out, but my parents called and yelled at me, telling me i was a junkie loser and a liar.
i had no insurance so i couldn’t seek help; i became depressed, stopped going to classes and failed 2nd semester, losing my scholarship.
i’m now living with my amazing bf back in my hometown, back at comm. college, with no job, my parents still won’t speak to me, aside from rude texts every month or so. i have maybe two friends, the rest are either off to school or doing lots of drugs.
i’ve also started taking xanax everyday again and i want to stop but it’s makes you so sick and i get horrible panic attacks where i think i’m dying.

basically, i lost my family, my best friend, my dream school and my job this year. i love my bf, but he’s the only reason i’m managing and i don’t want to depend on someone else like that. i just feel like i’ll never get back on track. i love my mom and my brother so much and miss them, but they can’t stand to even talk about me.

sometimes i think about just swallowing 40 mgs or so of xanax, maybe a sleeping pill too, getting in a warm bath and cutting a little deeper into my wrists or thigh once i start to feel the grogginess. i’ve tried to plan a perfect time.

i hate to sound like this on here, i’m not looking for intention, i’m not some cry baby teenager. i just really don’t see my life getting any better. i’m so lost and i’m tired of living like this.

i’m open to any suggestions, but please don’t tell me to find god.

Best answer:

Answer by karen
I like your question. It’s honest and real, and you write very well. Really. Do you like to write? You’re concise and straightfoward. Did you have trouble writing this all down? Or was it easy for you to say? What it all says to me is you have important things to share about your life. And you are worried about a lot of real stuff.

So what if it’s not perfect and has lots of drama. It has made you who you are right? Good or bad right? It shows you care about people. Although they don’t seem to care about you, they don’t own or control you, so why should they control your emotions? How they feel about you will always hurt. You’ll never escape that. No one does, honestly. Those people with charmed lives still feel the sting of rejection or gossip from family and parents. But they don’t define who you are. You do! Right? Do drugs define who you are? Does your bf define who you are? No they don’t.

You are actually in a really great place to be right now, because you are at the point where you have a choice. And you feel it. That’s perhaps why you wrote the question.

It’s a powerful choice. You can chose to reach your full potential, or chose to let them all be right about you. You know they’re wrong about you. But you don’t know what to do next about it. Hating yourself isn’t the answer. You have to stay in love with yourself. Xanax isn’t the answer, neither is cutting. They are more a way for you to cope and relax with the reality, right? If cutting makes you feel good, then you know that part is right. That’s o.k.. You just need to find another way to give yourself a break from reality. Or to put you in a good place, but one where the end outcome doesn’t leave you feeling worse, because the fix wore off.

You write very well, maybe when you feel like cutting, you could try writing instead. Get a few journals from the dollar store, they’re cheap. If you find that idea lame, think of other ways to keep your hands busy and your focus on something. (painting, or sketching) If you generally like outdoors stuff, get your bf to walk with you, even if it’s just 15 mins. outside. Colleges also like to have students volunteer at their counselling offices. You’d probably be good to talk to, since you have some experience with stuff other students might need help with.

The part where you write you don’t want to depend on people too much makes sense. You feel as though you are a burden. But you’re not! You feel strong somehow, but also feel you’re not! The question is why you see your life getting worse, but not getting better? Why you only imagine the worse, but not the better? Again, you have the power to chose here. I know you can do it! Don’t always think only your cup is half empty, sometimes you have to see it half full. It won’t happen fast, it will be gradual. But you can do it…. Oh, and write it down….. You’re writing potential is obvious! Remember, what we change inwardly, will change our outer reality.

And I didn’t suggest you find god….. but I personally know that’s a great option too.

Best wishes.

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